Why Do I Drink When There’s Always Guilt The Next Day?

Am I in love with guilt?

Adesh Fr
5 min readMar 13, 2023

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Photo by thom masat on Unsplash

Another family wedding reception party. Another night of heavy drinking and conversations with people I wouldn’t even look into the eye for more than a second on a normal day. Another morning filled with enormous guilt and physical weakness!

I am making weird sounds every time my mind gets flashes from last night, which my wife says is me cringing on myself.

Why, Adesh, why?

Why do I drink, when I know it hurts the next morning?

At first glance, things seem something like this:

I don’t have friends so whichever party I go to is a family one. Which means, it is about obligations.

Obligations mean it is something I do not want to do. I do not want to go to such parties because I do not want to socialize. I do not want to meet my extended family members.

Yet, obligations mean I have to go, despite my lack of interest! Which means I need to find a way to make it tolerable and manageable. (I also need to find a reason to tell myself I am beyond obligations and I am doing it out of my free will.)

And what do I lure myself with?

Alcohol!

It becomes the thing that makes the visit tolerable. It becomes the thing that makes me alright.

I drink even though it hurts the next day because I have to make obligatory family parties tolerable for me. And alcohol makes that happen!

Or so I thought before writing this. Because from a slightly different glance, things seem something like this:

If I go to parties for obligations only, why the hell don’t I stay for half-an-hour and leave. I mean, that would be perfect, wouldn’t it? Obligations done ✔ ️Alcohol none❌

But I don’t do that, do I?

In fact, the thought of such an act makes me feel I am missing out on something big. It’s like everyone’s playing outside and I am forced to sleep in my bed with a fever.

And then I discover another reason I go to such parties. A reason that is in contrast to the reason I thought I drank alcohol at such parties:

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