Three Important Things I Have Learnt In Last Three Days
See if you will find these important too.
For multiple times in the last few days, I have clicked the Write button on Medium and moved on to another tab without typing a word. And the browser gets unresponsive and I close it…and I open it and type medium.com, read a few stories, save a few, again click the write button and so on…
So right now it’s more of a challenge than anything else. Can I finally write something down that is worth reading and press that warm green thing on top right? I must surely be able win the challenge if I am to go by my picture to the right of the green thing. How carefully have I selected it! You must look confident, wise, professional, prolific, etc. (If I was half as confident, wise, professional and prolific as I want me to be, I would probably be writing bomb dropping stuff daily!)
Yet, two paragraphs have gone by and I have written nothing worth reading.
Last three days have been interesting. In this new phase of my mind exploration, I had decided to travel to my past through different vessels.
The day before yesterday, I closely observed all my thought management wallpapers. There were more than 1200 of them generated over the past three years. I scrutinized the wallpaper-within-wallpaper, the things I wrote in each and discovered something interesting:
I have been wanting three general things in life.
- I want to feel emotionally complete (that is to feel all ranges of feelings and emotions and not just anxiety.)
- I want to dive deep into a subject.
- I want to succeed professionally.
Of course, all these things have their own sub-wants and sub-desires. I discovered that my anxiety has been extreme whenever there has been a disbalance in the above three. Whenever the three have balanced (or at least I have perceived them to be balanced), I have felt okay.
Yesterday, I went through all the relevant emails of the last decade. That time frame because I created the email I use currently in 2012 and I have no clue which email addresses I used before that.
During this journey, I discovered that I had already started writing consistently in 2015 and had even planned to start a publication, magazine. In 2016, I was obsessed with making music and had planned to start a record label. But I still wrote. In 2017, I was a social-worker. But I still wrote. In 2018, I was a wannabe intellectual activist. I wrote. In 2019, I was going crazy by not getting sex. I didn’t write much. In 2020, I had a girlfriend and became a philosopher. Wrote. In 2021, I was a video-creator. Wrote. In 2022, I was a philosopher-writer. Wrote a lot.
I discovered lots of inconsistency. Yet, there were two major consistencies that balance things out: I learnt and wrote almost all the time.
Today, I noted down all major global events, famous movies, famous music, TV shows from the time of my birth to 2010 in order to see if I can discover significant external influences on me. I haven’t discovered anything yet. I also started a private school-life autobiography where I note things I remember from kindergarten onwards. I also stalked a few of my school friends and saw their faces and their whereabouts for the first time in 12 years.
Q: Why have I written this down?
A: To win the challenge with myself. Also because I wanted to share how helpful, impressive and relieving thought-management-wallpapers, email-digging, history-knowing and stalking are!