Life of a Writer: Expectation vs Reality
After my frantic teen years were over, I found myself suddenly distanced from friends and activities that were once immensely important and influential.
Self-Crisis made me explore a lot of things and possibilities. Eventually I settled on a thought — I want to fundamentally live my life as a writer, everything else I will do based on requirement and interest.
What did that mean? What does it mean to live the life of a writer? How does it differ from a career as a writer?
And as a decade as gone by:
What has been the difference between how I thought it would be and how it turned out to be?
I had begun reading a lot. And as is the case with most professions — the more you consume something, the more you want to produce the same thing — I wanted to write, inspired by whoever I was reading back then. The wisdom, the 2 AM in the night keyboard-sounds, the cigarettes, the coffees, the clothing, the travels: the lifestyle, captured by imagination. I wanted that fundamentally. Everything else was to follow that.
Initially I thought once I manage to learn the basics — grammar, style, idea, publishing would follow automatically. I managed to group words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. Things seemed great. A burst of excitement filled me whenever I did that. I went around reciting what I wrote to whoever I met. They said it was good, I thought I made it.
Then I started to explore and adapt to that life. I made sure I talked intellectual and ‘deep’ stuff with everyone, everytime I met. I wore shirts. My work was to focus on my emotions, empathize with others, be humble, seek and locate stories everywhere, listen to people’s stories, be okay with less, argue with editors/publishers, receive checks, walk around. More importantly — read a lot!
But the most important thing I thought was to be able to do that for the rest of my life.
This was what I thought was the life of a writer.
While a career as a writer implied professionally writing words but included business ventures, pettiness, smartness, street-smartness: Success; Life as a writer was not to be about business but obsession with ideas and words, not about pettiness but sufferings, not about smartness but intelligence, not about being cleverly street-smart but being wise. It was not about success, it was about failure. Success could come, but was not a priority.
I was to sustain all this all my life. I really thought learning to write properly and sending it to publishers would ensure I was there.
My imagination further told me this is how it would be:
- I would read a lot.
- I would think a lot.
- I would write a lot.
- I would publish a lot.
- I would drink and smoke a lot.
- I would travel a lot.
- I would earn somewhat
- I would be known somewhat
- I would talk a lot
- I would live a lot.
A decade has passed. This is what has happened:
- I would read a lot ✔
- I would think a lot ✔
- I would write a lot ✔
- I would publish a lot ✗
- I would drink and smoke a lot ✔
- I would travel a lot ✗
- I would earn somewhat ✗
- I would be known somewhat ✗
- I would talk a lot ✔
- I would live a lot ✔✔
Yes, I will admit that I have read, thought, written, drank/smoked and talked a lot. BUT,
- I haven’t published a lot. I published two books on poetry and the furthest they went was from the bookshelf to the cardboard box.
- Since I haven’t published a lot, I haven’t been able to travel from my writings at all. Neither have I been able to earn a buck from it or be known for it. Although gradually I started to get disgusted with the idea of fame and that desire has long left me.
I think about it. What I have managed to do have been things that are under my control. They concern me and my interests. What I have failed at are things that are actually called success: publishing, earning, travelling.
But then again, I had said to myself a decade ago: It was not about success, it was about failure.
So does it mean I have been a success? Does it mean I have successfully lived the life of a writer?
Whatever those things mean, I am glad at one thing I think I have been able to do. That is:
I would live a lot ✔✔
