Brightness Is Tougher Than Darkness
Until you get used to the light!
There’s an old saying which goes something like this:
‘Staying at the top is more difficult than reaching there.’
Of course, I wouldn’t know how true this is in social sense as I have never reached to the top of any kind of social mountain whatsoever. But what I can confirm is that the saying is somewhat true in psychoemotional sense. At least, that’s what I have experienced.
I suffer from anxiety so what I have been doing is, telling myself that I am at the surface with poisonous creatures during my mental states of anxiety. The surface being a place I wouldn’t want to remain on. After this, I insert a symbolic mountain in front of me with its top being the anxiety-less mental state. Climbing that mountain to the top, then, becomes a goal for me, which in non symbolic terms means: anything I do that removes the anxiety from me. The entire mountain, of course, being the anxiety. Only the top cures it!
Going back to the title of this writing, darkness implies anxiety and brightness implies non-anxiety-state.
Life during anxiety is a torture. You cannot concentrate on any particular thing, nor can you enjoy anything. You carry a heavy load inside you which dictates everything you see, hear, taste, feel and think. You are suspicious of everyone and everything and you are disinterested in almost everything. There’s not much energy in you. You forget all that you’ve ever learnt. You are an existence that feels anxious, that’s it.
At times when you are lucky, you will be hit by a spark of hope, a will. And then you begin looking for ways to come out of that dreaded state. You try different kinds of things. You meditate, you contemplate, you go out, you eat, drink, smoke, etc. You try it all. Hell, you even try to remain anxious in hope that your anxiety will be cured that way. But everything works only for a short while. The darkness comes again.
This way, curing anxiety for me seems like climbing a tall mountain. You sweat yourself to death to reach the base camp and just when you are about to enter into your tent, you slide all the way to the bottom. And then you try again if you are lucky enough to have the thought of trying. If you are lucky enought for hope to come to you.
No one taught me to look at anxiety this way. The various process of trying different things to ward off the heavy beast dwelling inside me occurred naturally. I guess that’s how human existence is — we try to feel nice all the time and we we are naturally lead to doing things which makes us feel that way. Sometimes we seek a transient nice and sometimes we go for a sustainable one. But we do end up seeking to feel in a certain number of ways. Anxiety is something, at least, I don’t seek to feel. Why we prefer one kind of juice over another is a topic for another day. As of now I want to stick to the mountain climbing.
Let me confess something:
I have been to the top.
Yes, I have managed to beat the anxiety monster and put a flag on the psychoemotional summit a few times. But I have slipped back to the bottom every single time, too. There’s a reason for this: I found the top to be non-steppable — even more than any other part of the mountain.
If life during anxiety is a torture, life there confusing. You still cannot concentrate on any particular thing, neither can you enjoy anything. You carry a rapid wind inside you which dictates everything you see, hear, taste, feel and think. You are excited in everyone and everything and you are interested in almost everything. There’s too much energy in you. You still don’t remember all that you’ve ever learnt. You are an existence that feels excited, that’s it.
That’s why:
‘Staying at the top is more difficult than reaching there.’
So, what do you do?
You climb again!
Life at the bottom is too unbearable. You have to climb. There’s no other way. It is the natural way. You can’t afford to stay at the bottom. You miss way too much of life there. It only seems difficult at the top because you haven’t been there more often. You haven’t stayed there longer. You have spent your entire life among deadly scorpions and snakes. You have to leave the surface lest you get addicted to the sting. That’s when hope has waved goodbye to you. You don’t want that to happen! You have to climb. You have to try. You have to reach the top.
Yes it’s confusing, but if you manage to hold on a little longer, you will find comfortable stepping grounds. Yes, you still cannot concentrate on any particular thing, but that’s only because you are too joyous at the departure of the monster inside you. Yes, you will enjoy everything. Remain calm. The wind, too, shall calm and turn into a soft breeze. Your excitement will leave you and joy will fill you. You will love almost everything. There will still be too much energy in you. You will remember all that you’ve ever learnt. You are an existence that is fulfilled:
