A Happiness Paradox
Why do I feel good remembering the bad?
What does it mean if you have spent a certain period of time in intense mental anguish which you subsequently look back on with fondness?
Does it mean you were happy then, or not?
Here’s something that has happened to me.
It was a couple of years back. While still somewhat locked-down, I went outside for a refreshment: A meet with a friend in a small cafe. Sitting at home, I had drooled for an open space and a face-to-face conversation. The streets, the people, the vehicles, the noise, the trees would make me feel better, I had thought.
But what happened was something completely different. I felt worse than at home.
I wasn’t able to properly pay attention to a single thing he said and wasn’t in the mood to talk. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to drink. All I wanted to do was something I couldn’t do: I wanted to remove the heavy feeling dwelling inside me. I wanted to take a knife and tear open my chest, I wanted to take a hammer and smash myself in the head. I wanted to go back home. While at home I had thought going outside would make me feel good. I was wrong! Sitting at the cafe, staring emptily at whatever was ordered, my mind went here and there — it was a terrible experience. I remember it vividly.
Now, a couple of years later as I sit here recollecting the years gone by, I am filled with this interesting feeling towards that specific day. Remembering that day, I feel good. Fond. It’s as if I am reminiscing about a day where I had a great time, when I had forgotten all my sorrows and had been blessed by that elusive joy!
What could be the deal?
One way to look at this is through the lens of someone’s current mental state:
- You could say that the moments we have lived are judged in contrast to our current mental state in that if we are feeling good now, we tend to perceive bitter occurences with fondness and if we feel bad, we tend to perceive good experiences with bitterness. This would also mean, if we feel good now, we tend to perceive fond experiences with more fondness and if we feel bad now, we tend to perceive poor experiences with more bitterness.
- You could say the moments we have lived are judged by the scale of our current mental state in that if we are feeling bad now, we tend to perceive worse bitter occurences with bitterness and better experiences with fondness. Which could also mean that if we are feeling good now, we tend to perceive better experiences with more fondness and less-than-good ones with a little less fondness.
In my case, since the past experience was clearly bitter, it means, currently:
a. I am either feeling good or
b. I am feeling worse than two years back
Now I am conscious of my current mental state and I am in no mood of calling it ‘good’ which means I am feeling worse than a couple of years back — which is also false as I am clearly feeling better than that cursed day.
So, what may it mean?
a. It could mean that I have misjudged my emotional magnitude of that day and I am clearly feeling worse than that day — which would mean my perception of my emotional state is absolute bullshit.
b. I don’t even know what feeling good or bad is and right now I am feeling good. I will only realize this after a certain time has passed. Which would mean there is no such thing as feeling bad and all feelings are good feelings.
c. We don’t need to be feeling good at a certain time to be nostalgic towards that time. Which means, the thing we recall merely has to be noticeable.
Anyway, what I have learnt from this recollection and writing is that happiness is a tricky thing. If being happy was not difficult enough, understanding it too is like a dog chasing its tail.
